Comment Wall
This post is for you to comment on my project if you would like. It is a portfolio at the following link
This is the picture that goes with my first story, Pym's Gal. Picture Link
Introduction to Joe Green
Hello everyone, my name is Joe Green. I'm from Piedmont, OK, which is a small town a little northwest of Oklahoma City. I was a percussionist in the school band and was the drum line section leader my senior year. I played basketball all four years of high school, though I didn't play much my senior year because I broke a bone in my foot just before the season started. I am a junior chemical bio-sciences major. That major is basically what happens when you take the prerequisites for medical school and turn them into a college degree. Last semester I took an ethics class that had a term paper where you had to pick an ethical issue and, using multiple sources, create and support an argument one way or the other. It was interesting to hear people talk about physician assisted suicide, head transplants, and the importance of net neutrality. I am taking the MCAT later this semester and will then apply to medical school, hoping to get into OU's. If all goes according to plan, I...
Hi Joe,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story! It reminded me of that old Disney movie where a girl's Barbie comes to life. How creative to remix Pygmalion's story with the modern form of sculpting-- computer imaging! I'll be excited to read more. Will your story encompass an initial period where Gal struggles to adapt to her new form? I think that if you included some sort of initial identity struggle, you could touch on several different relevant themes for this day and age. For example, you could explore the disconnect between reality and online worlds.
Also, will Gal be fully human or will she be mostly human with occasional glitches, like what a computer generated image would have? I think if you included occasional glitching, it would provide a source of comedy in your storybook.
Overall, great job. I love your creativity and your style of writing. I look forward to reading more!
Hi Joe,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you've modernized the story of Pygmalion. Using computer programing as a replacement for sculpting is a really interesting way to bring the story into the twenty-first century. There's actually a lot of more modern stories in which someone makes a computer program or robot girlfriend (like Weird Science or Pixel Perfect) that I think are probably inspired somewhat by the story of Pygmalion, so bringing it back around to have the character follow in Pygmalion's footsteps by asking Venus to bring his creation to life is a really interesting move.
One thing I was a bit confused about is whether or not Pym gave Gal a personality before Venus brought her to life. You say at the beginning that she had brains and a shy personality that he liked, but later you say that he isn't able to give her an AI so he can talk to her. I was a bit confused on how she could be smart or shy if he hadn't given her any sort of complex AI system.
Hi Joe, I like your twist on this story! The original is one that had interested me as well, and
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your modern twist on it. I also liked how you tied in the name and origin of the original story to the modernized one. This piece was clever and well written. I'm excited to read what you write next!
Hi Joe, I really like this update on the Pygmalion myth. It reminded me of the old Disney movies I used to watch- 'Life Size' where a doll comes to life and 'Pixel Perfect' where a hologram becomes sentient when she is created to front a band. Apparently I really liked this type of movie when I was younger, so your story definitely got my with nostalgia. I fell like you could have delved deeper into their interactions with more dialogue, maybe add more emphasis on their feelings rather than the technical aspects of her creation. I thin that you could do a lot with these characters and premise in the future. Put them in situations where they have to navigate her origin. Does she become self aware and rebel against her creator? Is this the rise of artificial intelligence that takes over the world? Great job coming up with a cool twist and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHi Joe,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story! It was like i was watching a movie and was getting goosebumps when Gal came to life! I loved the modern day interpretation of the story you read as it was very relatable. I was wondering how old Pym was in this story. I ask this because I was also wondering how much experience he had with programming etc. Also, i was curious about the line "which religions granted miracles at the cheapest rates". Did you mean with the least amount of effort when saying cheapest rates? I wonder if you could dive deeper into his search for an answer before turning to Venus and give some more background on Pym's character and history. Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this story and look forward to reading more!
Hi Joe!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story! Moving the setting to modern day gave the story a more plausible feeling, since at this point we are very close to having computers that can realistically portray humanity. I also really enjoyed that you referred back to the original myth when you mentioned that Venus had granted Pygmalion's wish, establishing that Pygmalion and Pym both exist in the same timeline. Going forward, I'd love to see more of Gal's personality beyond what she was programmed to be able to do. Why does Pym love her? What do they talk about? Was she capable of emotion as a program? These sorts of details would help give a better sense of who both Pym and Gal are as people and how it is that a person and a computer program were able to connect the way they do.
Hi Joe! I really enjoyed you story! I love hearing stories from long ago and adding a modern twist. It really helps us relate to the stories because these things happen to us everyday. These are things that happen in high schools all around the United States, some people only care how they look and what other people think of them. And I am sure people are interacting with virtual people they created all the time and if they are not, then it will happen in the near future.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be a good idea to add a banner for both the home page as well as for your story. Like maybe a computer screen with code running or just a picture of a bunch of colorful code that has a black background like you see in a bunch of futuristic TV shows. With that being said, I enjoyed you story and look forward to the next one.
Hey Joe!
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued immediately while reading your story. I was instantly curious as to the main character's feelings. At the start, I felt bad for him in a way I could not exactly pinpoint. This story reminds me of that movie "Her" from 2013. I never saw it but it's about a man who falls in love with a computer program similar to "Siri" from the current iPhones. This topic sparks my curiosity because I bet something like this happens in real life or will happen in the future. I can picture Pym's frustration when he can't get the computer program to shut down. Maybe you could expand more on that? It's also so interesting how this computer program has affected Pym so greatly that he has hurt himself over it. Good job Joe! I'm excited to read more and see how your project evolves over the course!
Hi, Joe!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to offer some feedback on Yamato, as I saw in the author's note that you weren't completely pleased with the story.
I agree with you that the story does not read well, and that is likely the fault of the style. I think this story could be incredibly interesting from Yamato's perspective, but it needs more context along the way. For example, the story lacks transitions from scene to scene. In one sentence, Yamato was chasing a mermaid, when all of a sudden, he decided to go marry a princess. Even is that is the nature of the original myth, I think you could add some details as to why Yamato suddenly changed his mind. Was he being pressured by his parents who had arranged the marriage? Had he given up on being with the beautiful mermaid?
If you could answer questions like these every time the story shifts, I think you might become more comfortable with the new style!
Howdy Joe! I think that you might be a little hard on yourself in your author's note for Yamato. I think you do a good job making it a stream-of-consciousness account of the events, and I think the only thing it's missing out on is a little bit of detail. If anything, the story moves very quickly. I don't think that that's a bad thing, but it might help with readability if you added more thoughts to flesh out the world a bit.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading Pym' Gal on your blog, and it doesn't look like you've changed to much since then, so my thoughts are pretty much the same! Overall, I think you did a good job modernizing the story. Alongside your first story in the portfolio, these stories both showcase "perspective shifts" in different ways, which I think works well for the project as a whole. Great job!
Hey Joe! I read your author's note on your Yamato story, and thought I would try to help out to the best of my ability. But before that I would just like to say that I loved your opening sentences! They are really grabbing, so that's great! I have not read the original story, so I was a little confused along the way. I think one thing you could do is clarify certain points in the passage, such as why he decided to marry the princess, who the princess even is, why he didn't go after the mermaid again, etc. If the original story doesn't have this information, you could even make something up! Also, the transitions between times and settings could be improved by simple sentences, such as a narration along the way (so readers know how much time has elapsed). For example, between the second and third paragraphs you could say *2 hours later.* And right before you say "Alright, I need to talk with whoever planned the route between our wedding and honeymoon" you could say *2 weeks and a wedding later* or something! Also I think it would be cool if you continued the story your own way if you wanted!
ReplyDeleteHi Joe! I like your stories. It could be beneficial to break up the stories by putting an image within them, so that the image isn't lost at the bottom like in the first story. You're very good at getting the stories started quickly, which makes it intriguing. I like the thought of having some narrator narrative in there, because it would help distinguish times and places much more than words can. I think your story could benefit from some more imagery details. This will also help make the stories longer and more intriguing, because readers will be able to feel like they're there with the characters seeing exactly what you portray. I often find my mind explains things much more than I type out, so you could try and take a step back to see what details you inferred that readers may not. Great job overall, can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteHi Joe! I really like how you begin your first story "Yamato". Your story has kind of comedic beginning to it, and I really like how you star it off by saying, "I really hate taking baths". In my opinion, this sentence is definitely is going to grab the reader's attention, so this is a great way to begin a story. I think it is very intriguing
ReplyDeleteI did not read the original story of "The Labors of Yamato: The Rescue of the Princess" from the Japanese Mythology section of the readings in week 7, but I like your retelling a lot. Very awesome job, Joe!
Also, your story "Pym's Gal" had a good beginning hook that grabs the reader's attention. I really enjoy your style of writing. Keep up the good work, and I am really looking forward to seeing what other stories you add to your portfolio project.
Hi Joe! I liked both of your stories but I must say that your story about Yamato was really well written. When I was first reading it I thought I was not going to enjoy how it was structured but I ended up really liking it. I do think that the story ends rather abruptly. I know you said that the original story ends right there but it might be better for your story to give a little more to the ending. I would also add a banner image to each page so that your reader has an extra visual cue to let them know that they have changed stories. I also enjoyed how you took the Pygmalion and retold it in a modern setting. I found that you changing the protagonist from a sculptor to a computer programmer to be a very good choice for a modern retelling. I cannot wait to read more stories from you as you have a very interesting and unique writing style.
ReplyDeleteHey Joe!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the two stories on your site right now, I have to say I really like your writing. I especially like the style you chose for Yamato. String of consciousness has always been so difficult for me to write without it sounding off. I think you did a pretty good job of it, though. After reading your author's note on it, I'll try to help you out the best I can. I think continuing the story a little more would be a good idea. This section of the story is ended in a bit of an awkward part, I feel like. I think the story could use a better ending that isn't leaving us with an unconscious man and no idea of what happened to his bride or anything. Other than that, I think your stories are great! I hope to read more of your work this semester!
Hi Joe!
ReplyDeleteMy name is Brittany, and I am in the Indian Epics class. This is our crossover week, where we are reading stories from your class and leaving comments! I’m glad we got to do this, because I learned some new things. I never took a general mythology class, but I wish I had. The stories you retell seem very interesting, and I think you chose well. My only gripe is that, as someone who has never read or heard of these stories, the author’s note doesn’t summon memories for me. If the author’s note of the first story were a little more detailed (as detailed or more detailed as the second story), I think it would’ve helped me understand the source material a little more. Overall, great storytelling! I might go and read a bit about the stories you retold, because they seem dense with culture and intrigue.
Thanks,
Britt
Hi Joe,
ReplyDeleteI am from the other classes, Indian Epics. We obviously go over Indian stories. I loved to read something that was mythology. I have not taken a class over mythology and I was happy to learn a little from your writings. Your first story was interesting, I felt like I was reading a very shortened story. I wish I would have known more about why the mermaid mattered and so on. I was kind of confused. Your second story reminded me of that movie that came out where that man fell in love with his computer. I like how you have a modern twist on the sculptor fell in love with his pieces and not real women. A little creepy but it was interesting to read and I am glad he found love.I think you did a great job, keep up the good work. Thanks for letting us Indian Epics read your story.
Hey Joe! I am from the Indian Epics class and i enjoyed reading your mythology stories! your first story was very fun and exciting read and it got me hooked to mythologies. Yamato was very fun to read and also easy to read. I really enjoy your style of writing. I also like your authors note that it asked our opinions on it and that is very nice move when you are stuck in something. Overall, i think your stories are great and i really had fun reading them. Keep up the good work and i will look forward to read more stories from you.
ReplyDeleteHey Joe, I am in the Indian Epics class this semester but took Mythology and Folklore last semester. Which means I am familiar with the stories that you have recreated. Pym's Gal was definitely my favorite of the two stories. I liked how you took the obsession Pygmalion had for his sculpture and turned it into a modern tale by making the girl into code. I also enjoyed your ending leaving the reading to decide what might happen to the couple in the future. I did enjoy our first story, Yamato. But agree that the writing style makes it difficult for readers. The only suggestion I can offer is creating a small paragraph that gives some general character information before Yamato begins his inner monologue. If you used an asterisk sign to separate the two, it might help readers get prepared with information before they read the story. Great story and project, I cannot wait to come back and see how your final project turns out!
ReplyDeleteHey Joe! I'm from the Indian Epics class. I read both your stories and they're pretty good! I really liked how you started your story, "Yamato". I also liked how you wrote the story. It was so funny and relatable, especially the part about baths. Sometimes there's just not enough time in the day to take one. The part about the wedding was a little confusing. The story didn't mention anything about him getting married. Maybe you can add some background about it somewhere in the beginning of your story or even an explanation in he *after the wedding* part?
ReplyDeleteI also read your author's note and was hoping I could get a small summary about what the original story is about like you did in Pym's Gal.
Pym's Gal was more detailed and helped me understand what was going on. You explained who Gal was as well as some background on Pym himself. I think doing that for Yamato can definitely make your story stronger. Best of luck!
Hey Joe, I am from the Indian Epics class and I just finished reading your Yamato story and I really enjoyed it! The way you structured your story was very unique. The fact that most of the story is told from Yamato's own perspective and all of the dialogue occurs within his own head gives this story (any story, really) a very specific interpretation because we don't hear the other characters thoughts or words. I have never read The Labors of Yamato so your author's note was very helpful for me to understand what you changed and what you kept the same. Since you were basing it off of a story that was already written, you could have expanded on areas that the original story did not.
ReplyDeleteHi Joe! I remembered how much I enjoyed Pym's Gal and decided to come back and check out your portfolio again! I liked your Yamato story and I appreciate not only that you experimented but that you're so open to suggestion! Stream-of-consciousness definitely is difficult. I think you did a great job with Yamato's voice, it's fitting the outside actions in without feeling too interruptive that's tricky. The asterisks work well enough, but you might try experimenting with having those parts given by a third-person narrator? I'm mostly picturing this in an auditory sense, like, if you did a recording of the story, having one person read the asterisk parts, like "As Yamato drew near, the mermaid leapt off the rock and swam away" and then have different person reading Yamato's thoughts, if that makes sense. Honestly, I'm not sure if that would help or just break it up even more, but it's a thought. Either way, I think the plot comes through better than you think, and I'm excited to read more from you!
ReplyDeleteHey Joe! This is my first time taking a look at your storybook/portfolio. The first thing I noticed in your first story, Yamato, is that it is like you are writing out what Yamato is thinking. I find this to be a bit funny! He thinks one thing and then quickly goes to another, then randomly decides he should talk to a mermaid. Good humor! And he isn't even very smooth once he does talk to her. The poor guy can't catch a break. Your second story, however, switched from that first-person narrative to a third person narrative. I like that your stories change not only in the topic (as it is a portfolio) but also in the style. It shows that you are an open minded writer and can think outside the box! In your most recent story, you even talk about the real world thing called cosplaying. I love it when people bring modern day into these stories. Job well done!
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